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Thought Residency: Julie Tamiko Manning

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My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number twelve.

We all know that we should eat well, exercise, limit alcohol, and not smoke- but when I do all of those things and still feel like going back to bed, I feel like I am somehow failing at life. So…Today I’m going to FLIP IT!

Who says I can’t change up what I expect from myself to succeed at life today?

Have I hugged someone? Check. Laughed? Check. Made someone else laugh? Check. Looked someone in the eye and smiled? Said thank you? Check, check. Written a haiku in my head for no reason except- how else can I express my joy at this world but in a head-haiku? Check.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number eleven.
I am sitting in a café working on the next draft of my script , Mizushobai. I am at a point where I am struggling with THE hardest question whose answer all roads will lead outwards from.
My deadline for this draft is tonight and I’m pretty sure that I won’t reach it, because all I can think about is “When is the most appropriate time to go and get that cinnamon bun I saw on the counter when I ordered my coffee?”


My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number ten.

I have been thinking all day of something to think about for this Thought Residency but I have come up with nothing and I think it’s because I’m in a very medium place right now.

I am not sad but I’m not happy, I am not stressed but I’m not chill, I am not waiting but I’m not settled, I’m just here and I’m not even trying to not be here so my thoughts are… just…here?


My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number nine.

This thought is on time. Or at least it was supposed to be on time.

A stranger once told me I needed to look into the underlying reasons of why lateness was an issue of mine: was it because I overestimated what I could achieve in a day? Was it because of my ego- thinking that my time was worth more than others’ time?

I’ve never done the work of looking into that, although I’ve always meant to.

All I know is that at this moment, I am working on a device that has only 9% battery life left, and that’s not all I’m running out of.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number eight.

You know when you’re walking down a busy city street and your hood is up because it’s snowing and you almost walk into the intersection without realizing it because you’re thinking so much about where you belong in this world and who you belong to?

I used to have this friend who would grab the back of my shirt when I would thoughtlessly wander into traffic.

I either need to get myself another one of those or I need to take my hood down and pay attention to where I’m going.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number seven.

In thought number two I talked about a comfortable silence. But I am also thinking about a different kind of silence. The silence of backing away. The silence of shutting down. The silence I experience when faced with racism, towards me, towards others, even now as an adult. The silence of our brothers when we are not present to defend ourselves and even when we are present and the only ones to defend ourselves is us. The silence of sitting down instead of standing up. You know, THAT silence.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number six.

So I have been thinking about inner demons-more like feeling them. And I am wondering how we hear those inner demons and choose to go forward, open the door and go outside.

Um.

I don’t have a solution to that, I’ve just been thinking about it.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number five.

I grew up in a small francophone town south of Montreal. I had been ridiculed when I was younger for not speaking French properly, so I made sure when I walked into a diner to order a “lait frappé”. The woman behind the counter said “Enh?” I said, “Un Lait frappé? She said, “Quoi?” “Un lait frappé.” And I pointed to the big menu on the entire wall behind her. She turned around and she said “Ah, tu veux un milkshake!

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought four.

Today I went to visit my Japanese grandparents’ grave. It’s in a tiny Anglican graveyard in a small francophone town in the Eastern Townships of Québec. They were not Anglican but there wasn’t much choice for their final resting place. The story of how they got there is the story of displacement of Japanese and Japanese Canadians after the Second World War. I think about how they are as isolated in death as they were in life. Their Japanese bones surrounded by white ghosts.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought three.

So I was in a show with a life-sized elephant puppet, called Jumbo. Jumbo had 2 puppeteers inside him and one manipulator/actor on his trunk. One of the most poignant scenes with the puppet was a non-verbal scene with a fourth actor. I always wondered what made that scene work so well. It occurs to me now that it was one of the only moments of pure complicity: everyone-on and offstage worked towards the one goal of giving Jumbo life. They were complicit. Without ego. Backstage, We would all watch like breathless children from the wings.

My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought number two.

I’ve been thinking about silence.

…

Recently a friend told me that I gracefully repress emotion. And that that’s not healthy.

But sometimes silence is good. Sometimes there is so much love and beauty in Silence. Sometimes Silence is just the absence of words (which can be so exhausting and complicated) and not the absence of me.


My name is Julie Tamiko Manning and this is thought #1.

This summer I was working at the Blyth Festival Theatre in Huron County in Southern Ontario. I would wake up every morning and before I got out of bed and I would take 30 seconds to think of something that I was grateful for. This was something that a friend of mine had encouraged me to do, and we would report back to each other every night. We were responsible to each other. I did it for her, but it didn’t really do much for me as I was having such a great summer. Then I eventually stopped. But this November is proving to be a bit more difficult, so I think I might have to revisit that daily practice of
gratefulness.

Thought Residency: Audrey Dwyer

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Hi! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my fifteenth thought.

I’m thinking about celebration, joy and bliss. About creating space and time to mark meaning. How there are traditions that are mainstream and well known. And then the ones that one creates for themselves, for their families, chosen families, friends. These unique moments that are ultimately so personal, so tied into need, want, recognition, time, achievement, remembrance. Things unseen. How we can walk around with these private moments, create our own cheer, build on time.

Hi! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my fourteenth thought.

I’m thinking about ideas and idea generation. Where ideas come from, how they come to be and what ideas are in response to. Intellectual beginnings, imagined beginnings, historical beginnings, advocacy beginnings. Where people go to get their ideas. How idea generation can be nurtured, challenged, pushed. Who do our ideas serve?

Hi! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my thirteenth thought.

I’m thinking about playwrights – young and old, near and far, all over the planet.

I’m thinking about where ideas come from for playwrights, how long it can take to write a play. I’m thinking about playwriting, hunched backs over desks, waking up in the middle of the night with an idea.

So many ideas, so many playwrights all over the world working working working to get things just right.

Hi! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my twelfth thought.

I’m thinking about theatre programming, morning meetings and coffee.
I’m thinking about opening nights and audience reception and I’m thinking about mandates and mission statements.
I’m thinking about the power of theatre and theatre that is uh… effervescent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my tenth thought.

I’m thinking about catharsis and the news. How the news impacts their audience in terms of climax and catharsis. How news watchers are taken through that process throughout the day. I remember the 80s and the little girl who fell down a well, people fixated on television sets to find out what happened in real time. What happens for people following the news when the climactic moment doesn’t happen? Where do we all sit collectively when we don’t have that climax? Ever? What happens to us if we don’t get that release with the stories or the moments that are incomplete? What happens to us if we don’t get that feeling of catharsis day after day after day?

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my ninth thought.

I’m thinking about how stories have the potential to uplift us and to inspire us and to connect us. I’m doing research on a web series right now. Life is so unpredictable and it can take us down so many roads. I’m thinking about how our curiosity in childhood and / or teen-hood impacts our choices as adults. About how being resilient and taking care of your own needs can inform how one advocates for others in their adulthood.

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my eighth thought.

I am thinking about coffee, autobiographies, video communication, buying books and how we learn. I’m thinking about mornings that look like nights and the consistency of the sun rising and setting and the full moon. I’m thinking about the world around me. I’m thinking about the things that change, the things that change that one knows will change and things that stay the same, time and time again. I’m thinking about history, relationships, foundations, and forgiveness.

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my seventh thought. I am thinking about The Golden Rule and how similar it is across religions. I just read about The Bronze Rule which is “If they are not bothering you, don’t bother them.” And then there is The Platinum Rule, which is “Do unto others as they would like to be done unto”. Then there is The Diamond Rule, which is The Diamond Rule: “Imagine being them, before doing unto them.” 

 

Hello. My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my sixth thought.

I’ve been thinking about checklists, meetings, leadership, mediation, emails and snow. It is supposed to snow at 1 am tonight. I’m thinking of a good night’s sleep and how excited I feel about work, theatre, audiences and ideas ideas ideas. I’m thinking of all the people out there buzzing with ideas, coming up with things, all of my creative friends and chosen family who make art in everything that they do. Feeling inspired.

 

Hello. My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my fifth thought.

I’ve been thinking about initiatives, audiences, finances, theatricality and artistry. I’ve been thinking about the potential and possibilities of theatre, what the exchange is and honesty. What is real? I’ve been thinking about relationships, feelings, wildness and order. And I’ve been thinking about awareness, etiquette and abandon and dance.

 

Hello. My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my fourth thought.

I’m thinking about writing for the camera, first draft completed, theatricality on film and implicating the audience in the story. I just finished watching Fleabag and I can’t stop thinking about the show and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Theatricality on film and being seen. Acknowledging the viewer. I’m also thinking about Lizzo and the lyrics to Truth Hurts.

 

Hi! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my third thought.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we hold space and how we facilitate other people’s processes. I’ve been thinking a lot about therapy and therapists and their self-care and how they process all of the different things that they uh hold, encounter, listen to and um yeah just thinking about safe spaces for everyone to process… trauma

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my second thought.

I uh just got home from dress rehearsal. It’s around one am Um I’ve been up since eight. I’m thinking about what’s on the list of things to do tomorrow, about submitting a grant, I’m thinking about vitamins and how they’re better if you take them with a fat, from what I’ve read thinking, I’m thinking about taxes, um and I’m thinking about delicacy and fragility and flowers.

 

Hello! My name is Audrey Dwyer and this is my first thought.

I’ve been thinking about how we learn and I’ve also been thinking about rituals before you go to bed like what people do that helps them to fall asleep. And if they do the same thing night after night after night or if people switch it up. It’s uh after 1 here and I just got home from a dress rehearsal so yeah just thinking about how people learn and how people get ready for bed.

Thought Residency: Maev Beaty

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I was at Union Station for the Raptors parade and it was so FUN, the energy and the humanity was so, really, kind of thrilling and warming. But also I am now reminding myself that for Fridays’ big Climate Strike that I need get: water in a reusable bottle, I need sunscreen, I need toilet paper or tissues, maybe a first aid kit, a phone charger and some SNACKS. So if anyone happens to be reading this before Friday, hopefully you’ll remember those things too! See you on the streets…

 

Ok you guys here’s a doozy.

Umm…So the last couple of months I have been toying with the idea of putting together a workshop? a seminar? a healing circle? a sharing forum?… to talk about how to manage life as a performer, as a woman, with a hormonal cycle. And so tips and tools and advice and sharing of knowledge and medicine about how to bring yourself healthily to the work and make sure that the work is healthy for you, and still available with its full breadth of possibility. And I think this could be a really helpful thing and I think it could be really cool and I think…Uhhhh yeah…But here’s the thing…

If I actually organized something like this am I (assume crazy voice) just feeding the patriarchal idea that women are Hysterical and they are actually Wildly Different from week to week and need Special Kid Gloves to deal with their Hormonal reality (drop crazy voice) !?!?!?

Ummm yeah so that’s why I haven’t actually talked about this publicly until now. And that fact ALONE Makes Me Crazy.

What do you think?

 

This is ‘climate crisis week’ internationally leading up to the Big March on Friday the 27th – hope to see you there in the streets – and so most of my thoughts are about the actions that ARCA – Artists for Real Climate Action and thisisnotadrill.ca are up to this week – the theatres that are encouraging activism in and around their theatres this week, and Greta on the Youtube and her impassioned speech at the UN today and so I guess the main thought in my head this evening is don’t read the comments don’t read the comments don’t read the comments don’t read the comments don’t read the comments just keep your head down, keep your heart open, keep going forward, oh don’t read the comments.

 

We were moving some furniture pieces around tonight, in my home, and we moved a Billy bookcase, thank you IKEA circa 2001, probably, And, uh, oof, there was a lot of dust underneath the bookcase and, uh, I was getting tired and everything seemed a bit overwhelming so I hopped on my phone and read about JT’s… “costume” and uh, yeah, tonight is not a night for me to share any thoughts that I have about this, I have so many thoughts, but it’s not a night for me to share my thoughts. It’s a night for me to just think those thoughts allllllllll the way to the end of those thoughts, and then shut up, and then think some more. So here’s a picture of some of the dirt, under the Billy bookcase, instead.

 

Today my six year old daughter and a friend of hers from school gathered a huge bag of walnuts from the park next to the playground. After experimenting with different ways of exploding them on the concrete or by jumping on them, they brought the rest of their haul home, to the townhouse complex where they both live. And bit by bit – the girls – anywhere from 2 years old to 10 years from the townhouse complex, all emerged. Eventually gathering around a cauldron-like silver pot to crush up these walnuts and the meat within, adding water and chalk paste and stirring the cauldron with three wooden twigs…uhm…and chuckling. In other news, the Crucible is still playing at the Stratford Festival.  

 

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of talking about Do-ing vs. Be-ing at our house, and, um, trying to just take a – little – LOOK at that, and – the experience of that or our understanding of that at our house and, y’know, we do a lot: I think we are Big Do-ers, over here. Yup, we, uh, do…do do…haha! And uh yeah, and I’d like to do a little bit more Being without worrying about the ‘To Do’ do that’s overdue. And watching my daughter do this really neat art exploration tonight with epsom salts and water and crystal and food colouring and paper towel, just, my head was just goin’…”do be do be do be do be do be do be doooo”

 

My parents were living and working in New York City when the towers fell. My father watched it with his own eyes and they plucked charred pieces of paper from their Brooklyn balcony for days afterwards. Uh, that same day my husband was on a train with a group of children to perform at an international children’s peace festival, but they had to stop the train at the border and bus the kids back, finding a way to explain to them why the peace festival was cancelled. Uh, he wasn’t my husband at the time, but today is our fifteenth wedding anniversary. When we called my parents to ask them if we could, ah, use that date for the ceremony and we explained that it was the only day my paternal grandfather could attend, they said that they were ok with that, that they wanted to fill that day with love, with a loving memory. That paternal grandfather is now passed away as has all of my grandparents and. umm… today I am thinking about love and happiness and peace and death and …all the people who are also thinking about love and happiness and peace and death on this date.

 

I’m sitting on the third floor watching a really powerful thunderstorm sweep through the rooftops around me and I am realizing that I am sitting in the sky, i am literally sitting inside the sky. My whole life I’ve lived on first floors and basements of Ontario homes and buildings and, sitting up here in the sky in the middle of a storm, I’m thinking about my friend Liisa Repo-Martell and all the incredible artists who came together to start Artists for Real Climate Action (ARCA) that launched a huge social Media campaign today to gather members, and at last check I think we got over twelve hundred members, in one day, and I’m just sitting inside the sky thinking about how great that is and how grateful I am.

 

I’ve been thinking about the public in the private and the private in the public which is so much of the territory that I have to live in as an actress, and I just came in from the West Toronto Railpath that runs along my home – because I’m trying to get outside more before the snow flies for walks or jogs, and I was just listening to the Guilty Feminist Podcast about abortion rights in Northern Ireland and it wasn’t until after I returned to the house that I realised I had probably: doubled over in laughter; shouted the word “YES!” three or four times in solidarity; clapped my hand over my mouth in amazement – completely oblivious ah, to any observers that might be passing me on the railpath and how interesting that these personal entertainment devices, that used to be about listening to the radio privately in your own home or your car or your place of work, now are portable and can go out and roam around the world.

 

This morning I woke up in Toronto and tonight I will go to sleep in Toronto, 

but right now I’m standing on the platform of the train station in Stratford and I… 

came out HERE 

where it’s VERY COLD 

to wait for a huge hurtling steel vehicle barreling towards me 

rather then sit 

one minute longer 

in the unwelcome, uninvited and disturbing gaze of the middle aged male stranger who’s been staring at me 

(train horn blows)

…and who I could probably beat in a fight, 

but I don’t really want to. 

Hi this is Maev Beaty and this is my first thought.

Today is the First Day of School.

It’s the first day of grade one for my daughter and her friends.

Today is the first day of my voice agent, Sandi Sloan’s,
Retirement.

Today is the day that a friend of mine’s daughter will not go to school, because she passed away a week ago.

Today is just any other day.

Thought Residency: Robert Chafe

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So a guy on the highway got really angry with me because I couldn’t, wouldn’t, let him into the lane if his choosing at the time of his choosing and so he angrily swerved around me and got in front of me and then slammed on his brakes forcing me to slam on my brakes, very dangerously, all to teach me some sort of lesson and then a full five minutes later when he was exiting the freeway he rolled down his window and gave me the finger, and it just got me thinking about emotional energy and how we expend it and choose to expend it or how it expends itself through us and it also made me realize that I didn’t have a terribly big emotional reaction to him, which is also uncommon because I used to kinda have road rage and frustration with people and that I wasn’t feeling that and I think it was because I just completed a day of dramaturgy and dramaturgy is really really hard and then I started to think about maybe that’s where all of my emotional energy is going to these days is into the work and is that a good thing or a bad thing it’s certainly leveling out the spikes of emotion good or bad in my day to day living, and…yeah. Emotional energy. And theatre. And road rage.

 

Today I am thinking about Larry Dohey. I woke up this morning and checked Facebook as I am wont to do, and saw that Larry passed away suddenly yesterday. Larry was an archivist, but a bit of a celebrity at least within in our community, the creative community in Newfoundland and Labrador. He worked at the archives of the Basilica, the Roman Catholic Diocese for many years, and then at the Rooms provincial archives, and he was an endless resource to so many people in our community on so many fronts, and watching the reaction to his passing this morning on social media is just kind of a testament to the effect that a person can have even in jobs that sometimes quietly go unnoticed such as an archivist. Larry kind of elevated – I’ll use that word – elevated the importance and the public impact of a position like that. And yeah, so I’m sad, and I’m reflective, and I’m thinking of Larry, and I’m grateful to have known him, and I’m grateful to have been touched by his brilliance a bit. And I’m thinking about community, and I’m thinking about impact, and I’m thinking about…all kinds of things.

 

Today I am in Avondale Newfoundland, in a beautiful little house overlooking the bay, working with Evalyn and Leah on The Dialysis Project in the capacity of a dramaturge, key collaborator. And so I’m thinking about coming to other people’s work, other people’s stories, and how to bring what I do to those stories in an attempt to elevate them without intruding upon them, and how to honour trauma and complexity in people’s stories without dramaturgically simplifying them or erasing them or any of the other things that too heavy a hand could do. And also thinking about how every project is a completely new learning experience even after all of these years.

 

I’m just about to hop in a car and drive three hours from St John’s to the Bonavista peninsula to take in the second instalment of the Bonavista Biennale, a project that started back in 2017 and it’s having its second iteration this year. An incredible, ambitious, beautiful art site-seeing tour across the Bonavista peninsula, where you dip into these little buildings, and some not so little, along that road that I’ve driven many many times in my life but I’ve never noticed these buildings before, and now you walk in and there’s magical…almost as if by magic there are these incredible art displays. It’s an incredible way to encounter some fantastic contemporary visual art while at the same time getting to know an area intimately, and it’s my new favourite thing in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. So I’m thinking a lot about vision and ambition and thinking outside the box and ways of transforming space and that’s what I’m thinking about today.

 

It’s my birthday today and so I’m thinking a lot about aging. I’m thinking a lot about aging this entire summer actually. We just moved my parents into a brand new accessible house that my brothers built for them, with a little assistance from me. And it’s just got me thinking about my fate as I age, as a queer man with no kids, as an artist with, you know…skeptical about my financial future, to say the least. Yeah, so just thinking about aging and thinking about what awaits. Oh god that’s so depressing, sorry for the depressing thought today.

 

Had a great meeting with Brian and Sarah today about my new show and our upcoming workshop, which got me thinking about how lucky I am to have amazing collaborators in my life, which got me thinking about the whole reason I got into theatre in the first place. It was, what I called once, like organized sports for the geeky kid. I didn’t play organized sports when I was a kid; three failed years of hockey, but we don’t talk about that. And, yeah…just collaboration. And gratitude. And just being really thankful that whatever I’ve done in my creative career, it has garnered me the great privilege of working with some really really tremendous people, and sometimes my heart just bursts with gratitude for that.

 

I’m walking around the lake and there’s a guy riding his bike on the walking trail and following him is his dog off leash and suddenly I’m filled with such, like, intense annoyance. And in that moment, I realize that I’m inherently in my life a really strict follower of rules. And then I start to wonder about how much of that naturally, innately, presents itself in my work, and if there’s any way to break that.

And he was wearing too much cologne too.

 

Today Greta Thunberg departs on a two-week journey across the Atlantic in a zero emissions yacht to attend a climate conference. Today I head to my office to work on more details of sending 10-12 people on a six-month tour across Canada via car, plane, bus. Something’s gotta give.

 

So I was sitting in the park yesterday and watching some skateboarders and kind of marvelling at the inherent engagement with failure that comes with skateboarding. It’s really admirable. They – usually a bunch of guys – they usually get together, and fail, try things that they know are beyond their capacity but they know they’ll only get to if they repeat repeat repeat. And unlike most endeavours that practice doesn’t happen in solitude, it happens in congregation, seemingly only happens in congregation with people that are also failing. At best, I guess, that’s what rehearsal should be like but so often isn’t. And, yeah, I just find it really admirable.

 

My name is Robert Chafe, and this is my thought residency, day 2.

So, I composed a rather eloquent thing detailing a conversation I had with a friend of mine about the very fuzzy line between confidence and arrogance and how I sometimes trip on that line and don’t quite know how to proceed. And just as I was about to send it in, I was looking at Facebook and a friend of mine’s status update simply read “get over yourself.” And so I erased my thought. And replaced it with this.

 

So as with all things with regards to my career, I’m going back to basic principles with this thought residency and rooting it in honesty. And my first thought rooted in honesty is that this thought residency is stressing me out. Because I feel the weight and need to be poignant and smart. And I don’t operate well under pressure to be anything. So that’s my thought today. It’s going to be an interesting month.

(Note: there is an eerily appropriate distant siren wailing in the background of this ☺)

Thought Residency: Frances Koncan

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Alright so I don’t know if anybody else does this, but when I travel I really like to visit destinations that were in movies or in my favourite books. Um, for instance, I’m going to Austria in a couple of months and basically everything on my list is just something from ‘The Sound of Music’. That’s all I’m doing, that’s the only place I’m going. It’s gonna be so good.

 

Do you ever take your dog to the vet because he’s injured? But you’re scared because you think the vet is going to think that you like hurt him on purpose because you have Munschausen by Proxy? Which is a disease I learned about on the TV show ‘House’? I often fear this. I don’t know why. Except my dog gets injured a lot and I’m just really worried they’re going to think it’s me.

 

I just saw 25 Fringe shows at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival in the span of 5 days. That averages to 5 per day and as someone who loves theatre, that is too much theatre per day. That’s at least 5 hours per day. I don’t like anything that much. I saw a show once that was like 3 ½ hours. Like The Ferryman, or Jerusalem, or John. That’s fine. 3 ½? Doable. 5? No. I’m out.

 

Okay now maybe I’m just on a roll for crankiness but I also think we were all very very mean to Game of Thrones. It wasn’t terrible. It was just like when you like try to make a food but you don’t quite have all the ingredients on hand so you try to just hope that like you don’t need the eggs for your cake? You probably do… but you made the cake. You got there. Sometimes getting to the end is success.

 

Alright so here’s the thing: you’ve probably seen the CATS trailer by now. I’ve seen the CATS trailer by now. I’ve seen CATS. I like cats. I’m allergic to cats. But everyone is kind of making a big deal about it. We haven’t even seen it yet. It’s not as terrifying as Sonic the Hedgehog. I wish we would all just listen before judging. Let’s see it before we make fun of it. People work hard to bring these cats to life.

Hi, this is thought residency. I am thinking about… large icons on computer desktop screens. When is the appropriate age to switch from large, sorry, small icons to large icons? I don’t know. But I may have just done it on a Thinkpad by IBM. So I may officially be old. Mic drop.

 

I don’t know which one of you… one of you, as if there’s just two of you listening… there might be. There could be zero, there could be a thousand, it’s hard to say. I don’t know which one of you has ever done stand-up comedy before but this is just a fool-proof way to achieve success in the industry is start all your sets with “what’s the deal with” and then fill in the blank and then end it all with “I’m gonna leave you with this” and then fill in the blank. I’ve seen white men do it constantly and they always look very happy so it must be real.

 

Hi. Is it just me or has the price of real estate really skyrocketed these days? I’ve been looking at property located just off Mulholland Drive, next door to director and writer and occasional musician David Lynch, and those properties go for at least 3 million. If not more. And as a writer I find that unreasonable. So… clearly I have to get married.

 

Alright, so: has anyone been to a Chiropractor before? I just went to one, because my massage therapist noticed I had some weird rotation in my pelvis. Now the Chiropractor tells me that my entire spine is basically collapsing. It’s very tragic and sad, but also global warming is coming for us all, so I’m not sure it totally matters. But I didn’t tell him that, and just gave him my money instead.

 

Plants. Plants are cool. Um, and it’s not cool to say ‘cool’ anymore. You have to say ‘lit’ or ‘dope’. Plants are lit and dope, but they’re also cool. Plants don’t care if they’re lit or dope, and that’s what makes them even more lit and more dope. Dope-er, if you will. I’m looking at a plant right now. It’s a tree, it’s in a pot, the pot is, like, a pale pink? I am going to name this tree, and I am going to name it… Roscoe. After a TV show called “Radio Free Roscoe” that I remember, for some reason…

 

Coffee. Here’s my hot take on coffee: coffee should be black. It should be hot. It should not have any sugar or cream in it. It should just be delicious, hot coffee. I drink it like my favourite director and future best friend drinks it, um, David Lynch. He should call me because he’s getting kind of old and we’re still not friends, so… if anybody out there can make that happen, that would be great. And drink some coffee.

 

Hi, this is Frances and I am here with your 1st July Thought Residency and I thought I’d start off with my favourite subject: me! Just kidding. My favourite subject is Keanu Reeves. Um, I’ve seen all of Keanu Reeves’ films at least twice and I will fight anyone who says he is a terrible actor. I think he is a rock, he is an anchor, he is majestic, he is style, he is grace, he is Miss United States. Thank you very much. Mic drop.

Thought Residency: Erin Ball

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Hi. I am in my car, ah, so this might sound horrible but if I don’t do this now I am not sure when I will have time. I am heading to the airport and then off for busy several days. Umm, and I think that this is my last,  umm, thought for the Spiderweb Show, ah, so I have been thinking about the benefits and why this has been so great, ahh, sharing my thoughts and recording my thoughts this month. It has helped me to realize that I say ahh and umm a lot (laughing). Umm, it’s helped me with confidence. Umm, today I gave a talk in front of a fairly large group of people and I did it pretty much unscripted which, I don’t know if I have ever done. Umm, this month sharing my thoughts in this way I’ve done it all unscripted and I think that’s just been really good practice. In addition, having the time to check in, to notice what my thoughts are, to process my thoughts. It’s been really helpful and it’s been a wonderful experience and I want to thank everybody who has listened and thank you so much to the Spiderweb Show for having me. Bye.

 

Tonight I am thinking about an experience that I had today with a young child, ah, about a year and a half old. And watching the moment of realization, umm, when that child, ahh, noticed that I have prosthetic legs. And just, ahh, observing the sheer non-judgemental curiosity is so interesting to me and it’s an experience that I have had a few times with, umm, young children. And I always love the interactions with children. And then it always brings me to thinking about how opposite it with adults and how many behaviours we have learned and picked up along the way. And, ahh, it’s such a contrast. That’s what I am thinking about.

 

Hi. This morning I am thinking about how I used to really value being early, for myself. It was something that was really important to me. And over the last few years, having 4 or 5 days a week that are 12-15 hour work days (laughing) has shifted me into a person that is late and I am trying to wrap my head around this. (Laughing) Again I am late with my thoughts. Ah, I am also thinking about how this is preparing me for a new project that I am taking on that involves me being onstage with umm, many lines. So that’s great. And that’s what I am thinking about.

 

I am thinking about how my life is extremely full, ahh, of really great things but I actually don’t have thirty seconds (laughing) to, ahh, process and record and think about my thoughts sometimes and I am almost a full twenty four hours late with my thoughts. And that’s what I am thinking about.

 

Today I am thinking about the contrast between a long weekend and time not working and over scheduling myself, uhh, 13, 14 hour days. No space for umm a lot of processing thoughts, ahh, and that is what I am thinking about.

 

Hi, it’s a long weekend and I am thinking about how I almost forgot, ah, to do this. I am also thinking about how wonderful it’s been to have sun for most of the weekend and I am thinking about why people need to be such jerks. When given the opportunity and the space to be honest, I don’t understand why some people opt not to. And I know I am being vague but I guess what it comes down to is when you have the opportunity to not hurt somebody, I don’t understand why you would make the opposite choice. And that is what I am thinking about.

 

Today I am thinking about how taking one morning off each week has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Uhh, giving myself time to organize my schedule, catch up on emails, umm, just organize myself mentally, wrap my head around all of the different projects that are coming up, umm, it’s been really great. And that’s what I am thinking about.

 

I have been thinking a lot about thoughts since I’ve been doing this project. And it’s interesting how much they change throughout the day and how much they are influenced by my feelings. This morning I was thinking about how nice it was to be up so early and how quiet it was and calm. And then in the middle of the day I was consumed with sadness and heartache. And then tonight I was thinking, uhh, about excitement and new projects and umm, yeah, how great it is to be involved in an awesome community.

 

Hi again. Today I am thinking about when I was on the TV set last week, umm, and how interesting it is to be a beginner and new. Ah, I don’t think I have heard ever in (laughing) my life as many times in a few hours “Erin don’t ever do that again” Uhh, I felt like I just kept making mistake after mistake. Umm, it was a great experience but in my regular life I am kind of the boss and, ah, that was quite the contrast. So that’s what I am thinking about today.

 

Erin again. Today I am thinking about sun and spring, business, deep tiredness. I’m thinking a lot about the vulnerability of recording my voice. I write a lot, I put it out there a lot and for some reason this feels much more vulnerable and I can’t quite place it just yet.

 

Hi it’s Erin again. I know that there are a lot of really horrible things, ah, in life and the world and just for this moment I am, umm, not focusing on those. And I am thinking about the randomness and awesomeness that sometimes is life. Umm, this week I am going to be on my first TV set and I have also been asked to write about an adaptive sailing event. Two completely different scenarios that I feel pretty unqualified for, umm, but I am super excited…to experience.

 

Hi it’s Erin. Today I am thinking about paying Disabled people. When a non-disabled person and a Disabled person do the same amount of work for the same amount of time, and one person gets paid quite well and the Disabled person gets paid next-to-nothing, as if, like ah, I don’t know, ” here you go, thanks so much for volunteering your time, of-course-you-don’t-work” kind of way, this is bullshit. That’s all.

 

Hi, it’s Erin. Thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts. I am thinking about nervousness at doing something new. And excitement and how similar they are, yet one, I seek, and the other feels icky. I’m also thinking about how movement helps with nervousness and particularly being upside down. And I am currently in a handstand trying to think (a bit of giggling)

Thought Residency: Erin Shields

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I saw a brilliant play by Sheldon Elter last night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen comedy used in so many ways: bouffon, standup, clown, parody, satire, wit – but underneath was a undercurrent of pain, loss, love, systemic violence, and moments of naked beauty. The play was personal. The play was political. The play was about the past and now and the future. I was left with an unsettling feeling that made me think about myself and my relationship to the world I live in. What a gift.

 

It’s nice to dig into a new project with a dramaturg I’ve worked with before. Having Bob White sit beside me during the first read of a new play was reassuring. I know that he fundamentally knows how I write and what I’m going for with this very fresh piece. Yay for dramaturges.

 

I’m at the Banff Centre right now working on a new play. This place is amazing. The mountains are beautiful, the staff is lovely, and there are forest creatures prancing by the window of my studio. Everything about this place makes an artist feel valued, which is a strange sensation. We’re so accustomed to working in dirty, underfunded facilities on projects that, at times, seem only driven by passion, that it’s a shock to the system to have a clean, beautiful place in which to eat and sleep and create. I’d better get to work.

 

Like most artists I know, I always have many projects on the go at the same time. As I move between them: from a project in rehearsal to a project in a first-draft reading to a project in a dream phase to another in research mode, I try to keep them separate. Inevitably, however, an idea or a line or a character will pop from one play into another, creating this strange sort of discourse between pieces which have nothing in common aside from the fact that I’m writing them simultaneously. I’m not sure whether I should resist this phenomenon or lean into it.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time with theatre students lately. At John Abbott College, Bishop’s University and The National Theatre School. I’ve been struck by their curiosity, intelligence and challenging questions, some of which I truly struggle to answer with the same level of curiosity and intelligence. They are thinking deeply about how we treat one another, respect one another, deal with our past and make art. I think we’re going to be fine.

 

I felt a growing sense of dread as I watched the video clips:

smoke billowed, the spire toppled,

flames leapt from the City of Light.

–      Notre Dame’s on fire, I told my daughters.

–      Has anybody died?

–      No. No, I don’t think so, I said and felt a moment of relief.

It’s then I thought of the Hunchback.

 

The most challenging thing in my life is learning and living in French. Every day is a risk to speak, to be understood, to connect, to try to find subtlety where I don’t have the words. Here are some things I have done in French: a theatre Q&A, a presentation on playwrighting to a grade one class, made dentist appointments, signed up for swimming classes, looked for books on traditional Chinese costumes at my local bibliothèque, had many many cinq à septs with my neighbours. My vulnerability is always rewarded with generosity. And that feels really good.

 

I haven’t lived in Toronto for five years now. When I return, I notice the shifts in the urban landscape. On my walk from Factory to Tarragon today I saw the Honest Ed’s demolition site. In the middle of it all were two attached, three story buildings. These once-homes, once-shops stood bare and vulnerable in the rubble of the past. Alone, but for one another, they stand in defiance of a future that would have them submit to destruction. Do they feel pressured to crumble? Or bold in their resistance?

 

A play is a wish, a hope, a longing; a series of thought experiments and arguments; surges of emotion and frustration, pain and longing, fear and desire; coordinated whispers and secrets and touches; and deep, purposeful spaces of unknowing. Until … the first day of rehearsal. Looking forward to another beginning. Tomorrow.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ceaseless battle over women’s bodies and the seemingly insatiable desire to control or legislate what women should or should not be wearing. There’s Premier Legualt’s imminent ban on “religious symbols” for public sector employees in Quebec, which is a thinly veiled attack on the freedom of Muslim women. Then there’s unhealthy capitalism which has coopted female beauty and transformed it into something which must be constantly doubted and perpetually augmented. This has led to the internalization of ugliness, low self-worth, and a thriving beauty-product industry. I mean, come on, give it rest.

Behaviour by Darrah Teitel

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March 12-31 | Great Canadian Theatre Company WATCH LIVESTREAM MARCH 27 | GET TICKETS

Darrah Teitel’s Behaviour is presented by Great Canadian Theatre Company in partnership with SpiderWebShow Performance. Behaviour Script developed in collaboration with Playwrights’ Workshop Montréal. Visit behaviourplay.ca to watch a livestream of the March 27th performance, read resources related to the content of the show, and visit an “Ideas” section full of artistic and thematic writing about Behaviour.

ABOUT BEHAVIOUR 

Politics. Gender. Power. Trauma.

Mara’s life is normal. She lives in Ottawa, has a good government job, a handsome partner, a new baby boy, and everything appears fine on the surface. Appearances can be deceiving. A world premiere about the abuse of power, political expediency, and the masks we wear to carry on as if everything is as it should be.

Darrah Teitel’s Behaviour is presented by Great Canadian Theatre Company in partnership with SpiderWebShow Performance. Behaviour Script developed in collaboration with Playwrights’ Workshop Montréal.

LIVESTREAM 

On World Theatre Day on March 27th, with the help of Charles Ketchabaw, we will be livestreaming a performance of Behaviour at behaviourplay.ca. 

Thought Residency: Michael Rubenfeld

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I’m not entirely sure how I became a producer.  I think it had to do with my impatience. And I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had been more patient. If I’d still be in theatre or if I’d be doing something else.  I think about that a lot and I wonder what else I’d be doing.

 

I made the decision to move to Poland partly so that I could raise a child in a society that didn’t want the Jewish people to exist here. There’s a kind of defiance in this decision. But I also wonder if I’m making the right choice for my child, constantly, when my family made the choice to move to Canada so I wouldn’t have to experience being marginalized.

 

Today my friend and coworker Clayton Lee was named the new festival director for the Rhubarb Festival at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. And I’m very proud of Clayton. I’ve been working with Clayton for many years. And it’s an amazing step and accomplishment that he’s got this position. So congratulations Clayton!

 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Because when people ask you to then honour the promise that you’ve made and you can’t, it makes you an asshole. And if you get angry with the people who are asking you to honour your promise, it makes you an even bigger asshole. And you’re the one who created the mess in the first place.

 

I’ve had the most successful few years on my life … with Counting Sheep and starting CanadaHub. And my own play. But I can’t understand why things feel like they’re only getting harder when I thought they should start to feel like they’re getting easier. And I wonder who else feels that way.

 

I see a lot of young artists who have early success get really pushy with their ambitions. I’m curious about that. Im not saying it’s the wrong approach, but you’re liable to frustrate a lot of people that you’re dealing with. So unless you’re confident that your initial succes will translate into more and more and more success and you won’t need to care about what other people think about you. You should try and practice empathy for the people who are in the other side of that enquire.  This is something I wish I’d told myself when I was a young artist.

 

Parents are champions. That’s all I can say. And anyone who’s raising twins, you’re an even bigger champion. Anyone who’s a parents and maintains sanity, you’re the biggest champion. But it all honesty, it’s completely bonkers, and, yeah, the best.

 

I’m spending a lot of time and struggling with my relationship to other people and their need for others to recognize their greatness.  I find it well…embarrassing and I’m not sure why. I think it might be connected to my embarrassment for the realities of humanity’s needs and behavioural patterns — these desires towards greatness and how deep down they’re just antidote for negotiating mortality.

 

It’s 8:30am and I’m feeding my son Lev, who’s 7 weeks old today. And I’m thinking about how when he begins to talk, he will speak a language that I don’t, as well as my own. And I wonder how that will make me feel about myself. Right now I don’t necessarily feel foreign, but I wonder if, once I can no longer understand what my child is saying, if I will then start to feel like a foreigner.

 

“I’m doing this from my home in Krakow Poland, where I’ve been living on and off for about two to three years. And I’ve been thinking a lot about language, and how the use of language informs practice. And despite living in a country that—I think—has one of the most exciting theatrical practices in the world, I have very little access to it because of language. The Polish language, which I don’t speak.

Thought Residency: Jenna Rodgers

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I’m coming to you live from Vancouver, where I’m attending my first ever Push Festival. I’m wrapping up this residency in such a fitting way: surrounded by artists, thinkers, and makers who have gathered to celebrate and promote an international sharing of artistic work. That, and to celebrate the escape from the polar vortex that is plaguing the rest of Canada. Though, perhaps that, too, is a metaphor. We can’t ever truly escape the shit. The good weather and the bad are both connected to the imminent destruction of global warming, which we can pretend isn’t happening, just because it’s nice outside. We are in the muck too… and much of our best art comes from a place of trying to work through the shit that surrounds us, and generate something meaningful and relevant. So, I thank you for trying to glean meaning from this month of thoughts and questions, and I look forward to all the thoughts and questions that come as we continue to make our way through the muck.

 

The Bell Let’s Talk mental health campaign is ramping up, and I know this because I keep seeing their advertisements all over bus stops in every city I visit. And as I scroll through my never-ending Facebook feed, knowing that a deluge of mental health posts is coming… I’m thinking about taking a break. Which is maybe the opposite of what’s supposed to happen? And I acknowledge my year has been great, and I don’t have anything to complain about, yet I can feel the low drone of anxiety building. Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight, or the air pressure from the many chinooks we have had this year. Or maybe it’s this industry. It feels impossible to do enough, to be enough, to support all the people I care about, and to still take care of myself. So, yeah. I think I’m going to take a break, just for a bit. Until I can hold all the love and care and compassion I need to make art in this world.

 

Good morning. Today I’m on an airplane and … thinking about my carbon footprint, which has been significantly worse this past year, as I’ve had the great opportunity and privilege to travel quite a bit with work. Um. So how do we responsibly offset our carbon footprints? The amount that I fly can’t be fixed by vegetarianism alone. What are some other options?

 

It is widely acknowledged that our theatre industry is facing many challenges: declining audiences, declining revenues, and a lack of cultural diversity to name a few. How do we turn sinking ships? When is the right time to let something come to an end, and when do you play all your cards for an unprecedented resurrection? How do you gracefully close the doors of an organization? Who has the answers to these questions?

 

Hi. Good morning. I just did a facemask – #selfcare – one of those cute Tonymoly sheet masks that are trendy, or were trendy a year ago – I can’t keep track. It was labeled “brightening”, and packaged in a zingy yellow wrapper. I put it on my face, and then read the description on the back: “lemon mask makes dull and dark skin look radiant”. Oh. Good morning. Fuck the beauty industry and the microaggressions written on packaging for women’s skin care products that endeavour to teach any young woman that their body – their skin – might need to change for anyone else. Your skin is radiant no matter what tone!

 

I’ve just started work on two new play process in different stages of development. One is in very early days, and the other is well on its way to production. And… I’m reminded of how incredible playwrights are, and how their minds need to be cherished. They are our world builders, our storytellers, and the nerve centre of our theatrical process. So this morning, I’m offering a thank you to all of the playwrights who have led the way with bravery, talent, and generosity. Thank you.

 

In the world of equity, diversity, and inclusion work… I often feel like shows that are hopeful are ones in which the equity-seeking body has done the lion’s share of the work for the audience member. The show is palatable, consumable, satisfying. I had dinner with JD Derbyshire tonight, and she shared with me that in Zen Buddhism, the goal is to live fully in the present, so there is little place for hope, because hope inherently looks to the future. This really resonated with me, and my feelings about theatre lately. Not because I think looking to the future or having hope is a bad thing, but that I think it’s necessary and urgent to acknowledge where we are at, and that there’s a long way yet to go.

 

We’ve had our puppy, Bramble, for four weeks now. She just turned 12 weeks on the weekend, and starts puppy classes this week. And I am reflecting on how fun it’s been to have her in our lives, and how much change a small little creature can introduce into your world in a very short period of time. I’m thinking about how she’s teaching me patience, and how easy she makes it to see what’s really important.

 

This past weekend, my company, Chromatic Theatre participated in the 10-Minute Play Festival as part of the opening weekend of the High Performance Rodeo. A longstanding tradition – six companies are invited to create a 10 minute play in 24 hours with only a prop and a prompt. I’d like to share a line from our team’s silly creation, Sparking Joy with Karie Mondo: “Your homework is to take some time to think about how the white gaze can prohibit you from living your true joy. She wants you to really reflect on the process of decolonizing your mind. This way, you begin to step into your power and live your truth”.

 

Today, I am thinking about audiences. Who doesn’t show up? And how do we open doors for them to do so? Is the theatre flexible enough to be relevant to outsiders? Especially out west, where we seem to carry a cowboy attitude: anything goes, everyone is welcome… yet, almost all of our artistic powerhouses found success elsewhere. So what do we do? How do we engage new audiences? Or how do we reinvent ourselves to be more relevant?

 

artEquity. This is a program that deeply shifted my personal politics, and helped me feel rooted in who I am. Today, connected with a number of my cohort, and I am thinking about how grateful I am to be connected to this incredible community of artists, advocates, and activists. These folks challenge me to be accountable and to continue to find ways to decolonize artistic practice. They ask hard questions that don’t always have answers, and are patient in our collective journey towards change.

 

I’m thinking about vaccinations and puppy cuddles; about strategic planning, and long-term organizational health; about volunteerism; about whether or not working from home is a gift or a curse; about family and travel and travel insurance; about contract negotiations and systemic bias; and really just hoping it all slows down in time for me to rest and try again tomorrow.

 

I’m currently participating in the Cultural Leadership Program at the Banff Centre, and we’ve been asked to ‘test drive’ an aspirational core value over the past couple of months. Something like… respect, honesty, beauty… a value we can use to guide our decision-making processes as leaders. I’m finding this a near impossible experience. I picked the value “truth”, and right now, I think that my truth is that the idea of leadership distilled into homework assignments makes me suspicious, … so what can I learn about myself from this suspicion?

 

Happy New Year everyone! Um, today… on a day where it feels like everyone is thinking about bettering themselves… what habits to form or break, and which practices to begin… I think I’m joining the fray. It’s not wholly formed yet, but I think it’s somewhere in the realm of starting a mindfulness practice. To do less, but to try to enjoy what I’m doing more.

My spouse and I got a puppy in mid December, and she’s teaching me … well, patience among many other things… but, but really more than anything else, she’s reminding me of joy and the beauty of unconditional love. So to everyone out there, I wish you all a joyful new year, full of the things that matter to you. You are loved.

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