Thought Residency: Frances Koncan

Thought Residency: Frances Koncan

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Alright so I don’t know if anybody else does this, but when I travel I really like to visit destinations that were in movies or in my favourite books. Um, for instance, I’m going to Austria in a couple of months and basically everything on my list is just something from ‘The Sound of Music’. That’s all I’m doing, that’s the only place I’m going. It’s gonna be so good.

 

Do you ever take your dog to the vet because he’s injured? But you’re scared because you think the vet is going to think that you like hurt him on purpose because you have Munschausen by Proxy? Which is a disease I learned about on the TV show ‘House’? I often fear this. I don’t know why. Except my dog gets injured a lot and I’m just really worried they’re going to think it’s me.

 

I just saw 25 Fringe shows at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival in the span of 5 days. That averages to 5 per day and as someone who loves theatre, that is too much theatre per day. That’s at least 5 hours per day. I don’t like anything that much. I saw a show once that was like 3 ½ hours. Like The Ferryman, or Jerusalem, or John. That’s fine. 3 ½? Doable. 5? No. I’m out.

 

Okay now maybe I’m just on a roll for crankiness but I also think we were all very very mean to Game of Thrones. It wasn’t terrible. It was just like when you like try to make a food but you don’t quite have all the ingredients on hand so you try to just hope that like you don’t need the eggs for your cake? You probably do… but you made the cake. You got there. Sometimes getting to the end is success.

 

Alright so here’s the thing: you’ve probably seen the CATS trailer by now. I’ve seen the CATS trailer by now. I’ve seen CATS. I like cats. I’m allergic to cats. But everyone is kind of making a big deal about it. We haven’t even seen it yet. It’s not as terrifying as Sonic the Hedgehog. I wish we would all just listen before judging. Let’s see it before we make fun of it. People work hard to bring these cats to life.

Hi, this is thought residency. I am thinking about… large icons on computer desktop screens. When is the appropriate age to switch from large, sorry, small icons to large icons? I don’t know. But I may have just done it on a Thinkpad by IBM. So I may officially be old. Mic drop.

 

I don’t know which one of you… one of you, as if there’s just two of you listening… there might be. There could be zero, there could be a thousand, it’s hard to say. I don’t know which one of you has ever done stand-up comedy before but this is just a fool-proof way to achieve success in the industry is start all your sets with “what’s the deal with” and then fill in the blank and then end it all with “I’m gonna leave you with this” and then fill in the blank. I’ve seen white men do it constantly and they always look very happy so it must be real.

 

Hi. Is it just me or has the price of real estate really skyrocketed these days? I’ve been looking at property located just off Mulholland Drive, next door to director and writer and occasional musician David Lynch, and those properties go for at least 3 million. If not more. And as a writer I find that unreasonable. So… clearly I have to get married.

 

Alright, so: has anyone been to a Chiropractor before? I just went to one, because my massage therapist noticed I had some weird rotation in my pelvis. Now the Chiropractor tells me that my entire spine is basically collapsing. It’s very tragic and sad, but also global warming is coming for us all, so I’m not sure it totally matters. But I didn’t tell him that, and just gave him my money instead.

 

Plants. Plants are cool. Um, and it’s not cool to say ‘cool’ anymore. You have to say ‘lit’ or ‘dope’. Plants are lit and dope, but they’re also cool. Plants don’t care if they’re lit or dope, and that’s what makes them even more lit and more dope. Dope-er, if you will. I’m looking at a plant right now. It’s a tree, it’s in a pot, the pot is, like, a pale pink? I am going to name this tree, and I am going to name it… Roscoe. After a TV show called “Radio Free Roscoe” that I remember, for some reason…

 

Coffee. Here’s my hot take on coffee: coffee should be black. It should be hot. It should not have any sugar or cream in it. It should just be delicious, hot coffee. I drink it like my favourite director and future best friend drinks it, um, David Lynch. He should call me because he’s getting kind of old and we’re still not friends, so… if anybody out there can make that happen, that would be great. And drink some coffee.

 

Hi, this is Frances and I am here with your 1st July Thought Residency and I thought I’d start off with my favourite subject: me! Just kidding. My favourite subject is Keanu Reeves. Um, I’ve seen all of Keanu Reeves’ films at least twice and I will fight anyone who says he is a terrible actor. I think he is a rock, he is an anchor, he is majestic, he is style, he is grace, he is Miss United States. Thank you very much. Mic drop.

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